One Year Ago Today

I am so happy you chose to stay mom

I love you

It is easier to build up a child

than to repair an adult.

Your words and actions
have power in your child's life,

use them wisely!

Loving the Fall Season

The leaves are beginning to fall and change their colors

One of my favorites, this was taken up Ogden Canyon

I love going for a ride in the Fall, any canyon, amazing! 

and then....SNOW!

Therapy

Some people find comfort,
maybe even a little bit of peace in visiting a graveside.
One may turn to this place to release emotions,
to think out loud, feeling that their loved one is "there"
I cannot escape to this place, Virginia is just to far away.
Someday, maybe.

I wish...with all my heart that I could  figure out why I have been so affected by Ethan's death.
A friend said, maybe it is because he was here, (in Utah)
4 years old, and all alone.
He had no-one to stand over him,
to fight for him, to protect him.
This beautiful boy lived here for just under 10 days with who he
believed was his mommy but turned out to be a monster,
a monster that lived with the Devil himself.
I have had such a struggle in finding my peace with all that Ethan endured.

I have visited a few gravesides; my grandparents, some close friends....
Quietly, I say a little prayer, I love you and goodbye,
until next time of course.
While I very much miss my friends and family that have passed,
I have never experienced the emotions that I feel
when I visit the sacred piece of empty ground up Ogden Canyon.
There is a place near Powder Mountain, Wolff Canyon to be exact,
just off the trail a bit, that Ethan Stacy's body once lied.
Although he is no longer there, even if it is not real,
I have found some comfort in visiting this graveside.
Thank you to my new/dear friend Klint for locating this grave
and marking it with such a Beautiful Justice Cross.

Justin and I along with Lucinda and Dave
went up to visit this past weekend.

I took 5 blue star birthday balloons
(Ethan would have been 5 on September 22nd)
and a soft light brown teddy bear to accompany the angel I left up there a few weeks ago.
Lucinda brought "bug" transformers!
A Bee, Dragon Fly and some other bugs, Perfect!!

I know he is not there, but visiting.... is my therapy.

I do believe that Ethan knows we're there,
he loves us and he's smiling down on us.
I also believe that Ethan's death will not be in vain.
I believe that Justice will be prevailed.
I believe in Triumph over Tragedy

I am very grateful, for you have given me so much angel.
You continue to influence my life everyday.
Keeping you close to my heart, as always.

Teddy Bear Kids K

Hunter & Brooklynn (my niece) participated in the Teddy Bear Kids K 1 Mile Marathon today for the Children's Justice Center. They received a shirt, a stuffed animal and a medal for crossing the finish line!

Hunter's Day of Fun & Fitness

Brook's Day of Fun & Fitness

Awesome Job! Love You

 Malia Me & Billye

E.T.H.A.N ~ Education 4 The Homeless And Needy

What a success!
Caty (Caty Dawn Bond) Jayne (cute daughter),
Meme (cute momma) & Carlotta (cute Chihuahua)
traveled 1,240 miles to put on a school supply drive
for the homeless and needy children in honor of Ethan Stacy.
Our Bumble Bee
Amazing! It was an honor to take part in such a wonderful event.

My sister and I made the donation boxes. They turned out awesome!

Thanks Sissy xoxo

We started our drive off at Liberty Park in SLC-

We shared laughs, tears, emotions and great stories with new friends.
My family was wonderful!
Justin, Braxton, Harley and Hunter…
Thank you so much for all your love and support and for also
sharing such a great day with me. You guys are the best!

The Lovely Meme and Caty

The Cook Family xoxo

Together they made all the "Bee" tags for each back pack!

Bumble Bee Tags

They put SO MUCH love into these tags!

Carlotta ~ My sweet girl!

Texas Roadhouse in So. Ogden also participated in the

School Supply Drive. Another Awesome Family!

Rhonda, Caty & Kimberly

We were able to fill over 100 back packs thanks to PSS,

Texas Roadhouse, Utah Attorneys General Office, Facebook,

Many Friends and Families Thank you so much, EVERYONE!

New Friends, New Events

It has been 45 days since Ethan Stacy was murdered.
I think about Ethan often, everyday in fact!
I think about Joe and Ethan’s siblings.
I think about how awful their emptiness must feel.
Does that horrible word “Never Again”
really ever set in?
I cannot even imagine what his loved ones are enduring.
I hope that when the sun beats down on there face,
they feel his warm smile.
Or when they hear a Bumble Bee buzzing around,
somehow they hear his laughter.

If you are reading this, please say a prayer
for The Stacy Family.

There are many people “world wide”– over 60,000 to be precise that has been affected by Ethan’s story.
I have had the privilege to converse on a daily basis
with a small number of them.
To name a few, Caty, Lucinda, Stephanie, Malia…
These girls are my new found friends, and I love them!
When I think about it… out of SIXTY THOUSAND people...
I have to wonder… for whatever reason, Ethan brought us together?
Thanks Angel! xoxo

I am very excited for August-
Caty and her daughter Jayne will be driving from Missouri to Utah
for an event in honor of Ethan!!!
Ethan should have started Kindergarten this year, but it is not to be.
Caty came up with the fabulous idea of holding a School Supply Drive
Once we have everything ready, the school supplies will then be donated to Social Service agencies for high risk children...
children that would not have them, otherwise,
or who are not in traditional situations getting them from mom & dad.
Homeless children, children who are in foster care,
children who are in hospitals who may not be starting school due to serious illness. They need a bag of school supplies, too!
Maybe, through this small effort;
Ethan can go to school in a different way...
in the backpacks of other little ones whom his memory is helping.
He can give a boost or a little piece of good fortune
to a child who is already at risk.
In Caty’s words-
“Isn't that a way to bring a tiny drop of Justice to Ethan's death
and honor his life?”

Our 1st donation- Thanks Laurie, xoxo

Someday… soon I hope…
I am going to travel to Virginia to visit Ethan.
1,872.68 miles away!
Caty, Malia and I have discussed meeting in Missouri or Virginia
to visit him together. Road Trip!

Walk for Ethan Stacy

Saturday May 22nd,
Shannon & I went on, The Walk for Justice for Ethan Stacy.
It was an amazing experience!!
The walk started at 9am at the Layton Meadows Apts
where Ethan spent his last few days.
I caught myself standing there starring
at the door that Ethan once lived behind.
My mind started to fill with terror & tears.
They began the moment of silence and as I looked down at the ground
I noticed some flowers that someone had planted in honor of Ethan.
Through all the rain, wind and mud...
they were standing strong and vibrant.
We had a prayer and began our 10.5 mile journey.

I am not sure that I have ever walked 1 mile much less 10 miles!
...thinking of Ethan helped me to go all the way.
He didn't get a break- I wasn't taking one either.
Hundreds of people showed up to support Ethan's voice.
Even children...a lot of children actually!
Many people felt very strongly that he was with us this day...
Along the way we saw ponies, goats, puppies...
The forecast was announced to be 50 degree's with rain,
turned out to be partly cloudy and warm!
We all carried a white balloon on our walk-
we were asked to write a message on it or simply just sign our name
so that once we reached our destination,
we would send them off to Ethan in the sky.
I am so grateful to the wonderful people who put this walk together
to show the family of Ethan our love and support!

Our journey ended 10.5 miles later at the Davis County Jail.
The children put there blue pinwheels in the ground for Ethan.
There was even a few woman that showed up all the way from
Grundy, VA just to walk for Ethan. Amazing!
After stretching out for a minute-I sat down-took off my shoes
and noticed a blood stain on the heel of my left shoe.
I have blisters...I am sore...but it was worth every mile.
I would do it again!
I know that by doing this walk today,
We SAID something...We STOOD for something...
to never forget Ethan, as well as to always look out for children
that are being abused, and to put a stop to it!

Today I Walked for Ethan Stacy...
I Walked for Child Abuse Awareness...
I Walked for Justice...
I Walked to be his voice...
Ethan you've touched our hearts and we will never forget you!
Sweet Dreams Beautiful Boy

Virginia's Walk

Ethan's Poem (above):

In the Heavens above,
I felt all of the love,
And saw everyone walking for me.
I couldn't help stare,
At my name everywhere,
Even on the balloons they set free.
I was smiling at you,
In your shirts white & blue,
And I put little signs all around.
Little signs you could read,
Little ponies to feed,
Pretty flowers to smell on the ground.
I want to thank everyone,
For all you have done,
So many that showed that they cared.
Please make it a vow,
to remember somehow,
All this love that we all have shared.

Ethan Stacy

It is so amazing how much I love Ethan Stacy,

yet I have never met him.
I think about him everyday. He is absolutely beautiful.
In looking at each picture (on facebook) even through all my tears,
It is easy to see the brightest eyes and the happiest smile…
especially when he was in his daddy’s arms.
It is certain that he was a very happy little man with his daddy.

I have never felt as impacted by a news story
as I have by Ethan's story.
I red the probable cause statements from the
egg donor and her piece of crap husband.
I learned most every horrific detail. I should not have read them!
I am reading to much these days.
On facebook there is a group with over 55,000 people that have joined
“Justice for Ethan Stacy” I am one of them.
I find myself going there daily…I am not sure why.
I guess I am trying to find a place that I can find some peace.
The day Ethan was laid to rest, I decided to fast;
I really don’t practice any religion-
But I’m still looking for that place.
I admit... I felt better...closer... if you will.

This Saturday May 22nd,
I am going to attempt a 10 mile walk for Ethan.

I want to be a part of his voice and help raise awareness.
Wish me luck!

His sweet face is etched into my memory,
I cannot get the images of his last days out of my head.
As if getting to sleep wasn’t hard enough before,
I lay awake just thinking of Ethan, and the world we live in.
I cry through out the day and most every night

I dwell on every moment that he endured…by himself.
What I'll never get over is the prolonged and different types of torture.
I think of the term 'demonic' in Ethan's case.
How many times in one week did that child experience complete terror?
How did those two non-humans do these things over and over?
All alone, battered in his bed, locked up in a room he only knew for a few days.
I asked Justin…why didn’t he just knock on the window,
open the window, scream, stomp
anything to attract attention……….
because a four year old does not think about things like that.,
a 4 year old waits for his mommy to come home and help him.
I read somewhere that he cried for his mom,
I truly hope the sound of Ethan’s cry haunts that Bitch for the rest of her miserable life. A woman who never should have been a "mother" helped take her own child's life. Unthinkable

I would have marched into that apartment and held that boy so tight
so that he couldn’t be hurt anymore.
I hate what they did to him.
I hate what they did to him after he died.
His daddy & siblings cannot even kiss him on his forehead
and say goodbye because of what they did.
My sister said that she finds her peace in knowing that Heavenly Father
was with him then and that he’s with him now…
I cannot find my peace, but I am trying.
I wish I could just hold him and tell him that not all mommies are horrible.

I catch my self wondering if Ethan played baseball when I am playing catch with my 6 year old,
or what his favorite treat was when I tell my son
to hurry and pick one…..
I just want to hold him, I’m so sorry Ethan.
I pray we learn nothing new of your pain.

I understand that dwelling is not healthy;
I understand that Ethan is happy and safe now.
But what bothers me most...
He was happy and safe before he came to Utah.
Why didn’t the Judge listen when a child said,
“I want to stay with my dad”
"The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool;
The concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions,
Affecting many, many people."

I kiss my son twice now, once for you Ethan. xoxo

To The Sloops...prisons generally hold thousands of violent criminals.
Murderers, rapists, sexual predators, etc...
Ironically enough, those individuals band together against people who commit crimes against children.
They are known to torture, rape, maim and even kill people who have hurt or killed children.
How does it make you feel knowing that all the worst, violent, most immoral people in the world
will look at you as the scum of our society?
I know that you will both rot in hell long after you rot in prison.
There is a special place in hell for people like you.

Rest in Peace beautiful boy – You will never be forgotten.


Godspeed, By: Dixie Chicks

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy Becky and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

I love you. Sincerely, Tammy xoxoxo

A Day at the Park

BBQ, Basketball, Brownies and the Baby

Happy Mother's Day...

Angela.Me.Sherry


Justin.Me.Kristy.Judy.Larry (My In-Laws..Love Them)

Harley. Hunter. Braxton


Judy and Mom

Sherry.Parker.Candis

Brooklynn. Parker. Dakota


Michael.Sherry.Brooklynn
Chris.Candis.Parker.Dakota (My Sis)

Jazzy.Angela.Greg (My Cousin)

The Good Looking Guys Won!

Admirable

Yesterday afternoon I got a call from Braxton’s school saying
that he had been in a fight and that I needed to come pick him up.
As I walked into the office there was a boy sitting in a chair-
he looked sad.
Because I was focused on Braxton and going over
in my head the dozen reason’s why my son was in a fight today,
waiting to see the damage, waiting to hear the story
and finally waiting to hear the consequences…
it was only a glance and a thought as I passed the sad boy.
I walked into the principles office; the school officer
and the principle were waiting for me.
I sat… and they proceeded to tell me that they think
Braxton’s hand may be broken. Oh Boy!!!
They call Braxton in from the next room
and his hand is definitely messed up.

In my mind…my son broke his hand on someone’s face?
I wanted to cry and ask him- “what is wrong with you”
In my heart…my son had been in a fight, his hand was hurt,
he had a bump on his head, his shirt was torn,
I wanted to cry and hold him. (even though he's almost 16)
Finally I got the whole story.
Remember that sad boy in the office…
Braxton was fighting in his honor. That boy is name Joe.
Joe was being bullied by a boy name Christian. Long story short…..
Braxton listened to Christian pick on Joe & curse at him for some time
Joe headed towards the locker room and Christian followed.
So did Braxton... Needless to say…Braxton handled it!!!



See the left pinky offset- thats the growthplate that was disturbed.




These days there are too many reasons to fight.
I am sure there were other options to handle this.
But since Braxton made a decision,
I am so proud that it was for a good reason.
I think Joe was grateful as well.

End results- Braxton was not suspended.
The district does like to practice the "No Tolerance Rule"
But because Braxton was defending someone that was being bullied
The principle saw no reason not to ask Braxton to come back to school.
Christian was EXPELLED!!!

Braxton ended up with what they call a Boxers Fracture.
The fracture is in the left pinky and it fractures into the growth plate.
We have to see an Orthopedic Specialist!

Why's and Wish's

Despite unkind words…
The truth is…I love you so much.
Sometimes so much it hurts!
We get lost in rage and emotion,
words and tempers fly and the damage is done.
Now what? We are left with no trust, broken feelings and sad hearts.
This is happening to often. Much too often.

Some days are better than others,
but those days are far and few between.
There is no trust, no trust for me, no trust for you.
Why have we not paid attention to the
mistakes that were made between us?
I am positive there was something to be learned.
Why do we take each other for granite?
Why can’t we just let it go…move on and be happy?

You are a precious life…life that was given to me.
Some say that you…picked me…
Why is it so difficult to- as they say...live, laugh, and love?
It is much too easy to imply, to have little faith, to shout.

Is it just the way it is between a mother and a son sometimes?
Will this change, will you be able to look at me someday
and understand that I love you more than my own life.
That maybe things weren’t that bad! I truly hope so.
I love you very much, never forget that.
I know that you are only making a simply move across town,
But in a since my family is now broken.
I am about to learn how to love you from a distance
I’ll take it- I will do this so that one day you and I will
look at each other and smile, we will laugh, we will talk,
we will share stories………..

Unconditional:
Not limited by conditions; absolute.

Dear Braxton,
I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

More then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more then you take.

Oh More then anything, Yeah, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this is my wish.

I love you Braxt

The Hatt's

Years ago.....mom & dad found an amazing, life long friendship.
Howard & Nancy Hatt. xoxoxoxo
I have some really great memories growing up with them.
When Braxton & Harley were just little little I lived
right next store to them. (Wish I still did)
I wish I had taken advantage of that situation and
spent more time around them.
They are genuinly kind, wonderful, beautiful people!
I miss them. Justin & I took mom & dad down to see them
in Fairview this weekend. What a fantastic trip!
Thank you so much Nancy & Howard for everything.
Mom has not stopped talking about our visit-she needed that!
We will go again mom...promise.

Dad.Mom.Nancy.Howard


Nancy.Me.Howard


Miss you already- can't wait to visit again! xoxoxo

Choosing My Battles...

I really enjoy blogging, I kind of feel like this is my disclosed journal!
I have some thoughts on my mind that I want to liberate.
If nothing else- just to write it down so that I can come back
when I need to make since of things.
To anyone that may be reading this, my apologies in advance-
I feel better when I write it down.

Define Brain Damage:
Injury to the brain that is caused by various conditions,
such as inadequate oxygen supply, and that may be associated
with a behavioral or functional abnormality.

Brain cells are extremely sensitive to oxygen deprivation.
Some brain cells actually start dying less than 5 minutes
after their oxygen supply disappears.
As a result, brain hypoxia (inadequate oxygenation of the blood)
can rapidly cause death or severe brain damage.
As a general rule, permanent damage
is likely if the brain is more than 3-4 minutes without oxygen.
10 minutes is almost certain to cause lasting damage
and in the majority of cases would result in death.

My mom did not die- not technically.
She is alive; her heart beats, she eats, sleeps, walks,
talks & cries just like the rest of us.
She is innocent or should I say childlike, she is fragile,
but she is adorable and she is my mom.
I love her so much. I couldn't imagine not having her around me.

Define My Sorrow:
Understanding her tactics.
Listening to her wishes.
This will happen again.

I worry, I cry,
I have flash backs of my sisters voice on the line from that night.
I remember that awful 30 minute drive that felt like hours had gone by.
When I try to remember the look on my children's faces as I panicked...

My mom spends every other week with me,
this week she & I got very upset with each other.
Twice I went down to her room to make things better and twice
it got worse. My mom feels like I don’t know her, she says none of us
know her- Maybe she’s right, she’s not the same person anymore.
This person that stays with me does not hug me & say its ok daughter,
kids will be kids. There is no motherly advice given.
There are no answers given when I’m in the kitchen cooking
and have forgotten a recipe.
There are insignificant amounts of feelings for my siblings & me.

Does any of this really matter? No, not at all. This is my mom.

In our argument I had to take a step back and not talk,
not argue or even cry I just sat quietly and watched as she cried;
she had forgotten I was even there.
I learned a lot from her expressions, from her actions. She is very right!
I vow here and now... no matter who, what or where
my mom will never ever have her feelings hurt by me.
I Love You Mom.

Define Lesson Learned:
Let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are
Beginnings are usually scary. Endings are usually sad,
but it's what's in the middle that counts.

Beautiful Boy

Wednesday April 7th 2010 is our new Happy Due Date!
Candis & Chris checked into the Jordan Valley Hospital this morning
to have a baby. I went for a quick visit on my lunch hour
so that I could see my niece and give her hugs & kisses.
I snuck a picture with my phone while she was still "content"

See the cute little smile...


I was very impressed with her tactics-
There is nothing simple or polite about contractions
They hurt…and they hurt badly. B.A.D.
Candis just closed her eyes and breathed right through them
Well.....the first few hours of them!

So Pretty


At 5:00 pm I headed back to the hospital.
Candis was doing great- I am so proud of her.
Chris (father), Jolene (the father’s mother)
my sister (1st time grandma) and Michael (1st time grandpa)
were waiting patiently to meet the
newest addition to the Fertig/MacKay family.

Introducing…Parker Chase Mackay
Born on 4/7/2010 at 9:07 pm
8 pounds 4.1 ounces 20 ½ inches long








He is PERFECT. He is BEAUTIFUL.
He is MY Grand Nephew!!!
He has blond hair and the cutest dimple!
Great job Chris & Candis.
I love you both so much, thank you for letting me share
such an amazing evening with you.
Congratulations to my sis & Michael and to the MacKays.