My entire world as I knew it… fell apart. Life will never be the same for me. You are my mommy & I love you with all my heart. You & I did not get to share the time that we should have spent together as mother & daughter. There is no doubt in my mind of your love for us. This has been absolutely heartbreaking. I have so many questions for you. Are you ok? Are you coming back? Are you mad at us? Did it hurt? Could you feel us there with you at the hospital? Did you see Grandma & Grandpa or John? Will I be ok without you? Will dad be ok with me-without you?
I have been writing everything down as it comes so that if you have any questions or if you want to know everything that happened to you on that day and following… you could just read this.
On Wednesday December 2nd I just crawled under the blankets to watch a little TV. (around 7:00) Justin rushed into the room with my cell phone & said “hurry”. It was Sherry- she was crying- she said that John just called & said that mom was not breathing! My mom stopped breathing. John & Dean performed CPR on you for nearly 20 minutes until the paramedics showed up; all 15 of them. The paramedics cut all your clothes off & had to shock your heart in order to get a very light pulse. They rushed you to LDS Hospital & immediately started a 24 hour cooling system on you which is where they “freeze” you to prevent swelling in the brain. Since you did not have a heartbeat for almost 20 minutes they are sure there will be some brain damage. From there they transported you to IMC (Intermountain Medical Center) Me, Justin, Sherry, Michael, Dad, John, Corina, Dean, John Louis, Casey James & maybe more but I cannot remember as the whole night was the worst night of my entire life. We waited & waited & waited some more to see you. Finally they let all of us in to see you at once and hold hands as Michael & Chris gave you a blessing. After the blessing they kicked all but 2 of us out. You have been in CICU (Coronary Intensive Care Unit) since then. The Dr. said that you had suffered a heart attack. They said that your entire heart is filled with disease and that your heart is un-repairable. At that time they decided to insert 2 stints into your heart & a balloon to help it pump & beat clearly. Once the 24 hours passed with the “cooling system” (Thursday at 2:30 am) they reversed the cooling system to “re-warm” you. It took 12 hours to get back to normal body temperature and after that you began to run a fever; they were able to get this all under control, however, Stephanie (your nurse) Sherry & I froze because they packed ice bags all around you covered your body with a cold wet towel and then turned a fan on you-I think they may have turned the ac on too!!! Friday afternoon they stopped all sedation so that you could wake up- you woke up but did not respond too much of anything. Not the way the Dr.’s wanted you to respond anyway. I think it’s safe to assume that you recognized dad and us kids (smiling, crying, tracking us with her eyes, and the occasional squeeze of the hand) but since you would not follow any commands with the Dr they say technically you have not woken up “yet”. Dad cries a lot. They started running tests & the 1st one was a CT scan and they say that looks ok. They did an EEG and they say that there is some abnormal brain activity. They also did an MRI but see no signs of a major stroke.
The Dr. had ruled out any signs of you becoming a vegetable. This was fabulous news- however only time will tell what’s ahead of us. We all set up camp at the hospital- John & Corina, Dad, John Louis all made beds in the waiting room. Sherry & I slept in the chairs in your room so that you wouldn’t be alone. The cafeteria has excellent food-cheap too! You have had outstanding care. The nurses are absolutely wonderful, kind, caring and very good at what they do. One of the nurses Stephanie requested to have you back the next night. We like Stephanie. We really like Adam! Uncle David flew in on Friday (I think) from California & I understand that Heidi is flying in from Texas on Tuesday night. Shannon tried to fly in but was unable to. Harold, Winnie, Laurene, Michael & Jeff all come up on Saturday. The visitors have been non-stop!! Dennis has been up a few times. He is very worried about you. A few of your friends also popped in. Do you remember me playing “our” song Sara Evans- No
Place that Far? Finally we went home on Saturday night & got a few hours of sleep. That was very hard not to be there with you. I miss you.
Before this happened; you mentioned a few times that Grandma had come to see you in your dreams. You also mentioned that you just want to go home. (To be with grandma again). I do not want to lose my mommy- I am not ready yet. I decided that I was being some what selfish & that I need to think of you & all that you have been through- I came to see you on Monday night after work- not to say goodbye but to say it’s ok if you need to go home- I know that you would never ever leave any of us behind & if we kept telling you to fight…you would. How fair is that? I wanted you to know that I understood & that I would take good care of dad. However; I will say that I am glad you are still here fighting! Tuesday Sherry called me and said that you have taken a turn for the “Better” She said that you are still thrashing your head back & forth but that you are also following all the Dr.’s commands. You held 2 fingers up, shook your head yes & no to answer questions, blinked your eye’s, squeezed hands etc…This was fabulous news!
I cried. I think that we all cried! Michael & Chris came back up to give you another blessing on Tuesday night.
Sherry has been spending all day every day with you. John & Dean pop in and out a lot. I moved dad in with me so he & I come down in the evenings after I get off work. I didn’t have the heart to send him back to the motor home & he didn’t want to go back.
He seems comfortable. He worries a lot but we are helping him get through this. He always uncovers one of your feet- he says you get hot & do not like them both covered.
Today is Wednesday & the news is… there is no change. I know that Sherry, John & The Dr. have been discussing taking your tubes out but I think that we are going to hold off a day or two simply because your breathing is not where the Dr. would like to see it & there is always the scare of pneumonia. There are so many people that love you mom and that are praying for you. Our entire family of course-Justin’s family- Casey’s family- Nina’s family- distant family & friends.
I cannot speak for everyone but I know that there were some lessons to be learned in all of this. I think I know what mine was!
I love you mom.
Today is Thursday Dec 9th- Dad, Harley & I went to see you last night but you were very tired. You opened your eyes a few times but for the most part I am not sure if you knew we were there. But that’s ok mom. You need to rest. I wish I could come up more. I plan on spending the entire weekends with you. Before I left; Sherry, Chris & Candis arrived. I went home but Sherry said that you really enjoyed seeing Candis. She said that you were very excited to feel Parker- your great grandson inside Candis’s stomach. She also said that you really focused on Candis’s necklace, when Candis asked if you liked it & wanted to have it you shook your head yes. Candis told you that you have to earn it, get better & get out of the hospital & it’s yours! I have faith that you will do that!
I called & checked on you this morning- I was glad to hear that your nurse is Bethany-we like Bethany too she is very nice & very efficient. She said that all of your labs & vitals look really good but that you are still thrashing. Sherry is headed up to spend the day with you- she should be there around 9:30 am. I wish I could be there. I hope that you understand that I have to work. I miss you mom. I want you to get better so that we can go Christmas shopping and talk about the yummy soups that Sherry will make for Christmas Eve.
More goods news-the best news… Sherry just called and said that the Dr. came into ask for more commands and you shined! He took your breathing tubes out and you told Sherry that you loved her. She put the phone to your ear so that I could talk to you- I didn’t hear you but Sherry said that you said “I Love You” to me also.
I cannot wait for the clock to strike 5 so that I can come see you.
Bethany turned on some country music & moved your bed around so that you could look out the window. Keep fighting mom- you got this! I had such a hard time being at work when Sherry said that you were talking- I took my lunch and drove up to see you. You told me that you loved me, you gave me a kiss-I scratched your ears & you purred! We talked about getting you a perm & going dancing. Mom it was so amazing to see your eyes and hear your voice. I love you so much. When I told you that I had to go back to work you said NO! I said I have to but I will get dad after work & we will be back. Can’t wait to get back there and see you again.
I brought dad back later that night just like I promised-you were happy to see him but wanted to know why he was wearing your coat! (funny)
For a minute you were unsure of a few things-you did not remember that Justin & I were married however you were very happy that we were. I’m sure that all of this is confusing & frustrating mom- I know that you will have your good days and your bad days. I have faith that people & memories will get clearer with each & every day. Stay strong momma. I love you. I am very happy that today is Friday I get to spend the whole day with you tomorrow!
Today is Monday December 14th & I am writing about our weekend.
Dad, Justin & I got to the hospital about 11:30 on Saturday morning. Sherry was there with you. She stepped out for a few minutes so that dad & I could go in together- You were so excited when you saw dad. You did ask why he was wearing your coat again! You were very silly all weekend. You kept all of us laughing! Your memory was a little fuzzy. I ask lots of questions and only about 70% of the time I get the same answer. Which is actually pretty good! It’s ok mom-time heals everything…right? Judy came to see you also- you were very happy to see her. You discussed old plans of running away & hiding!! I guess that is something between the two of you- BUT…you should know…I will find you. Haha
So dad & Justin left around 4:00 on Saturday & I got to spend 2 whole hours with you all by ourselves. We watched “The Santa Claus” on TV. We talked about Christmas presents & snow & all the fun we will have when you leave the hospital & get all settled in with Sherry. Saturday night
John, Corina, Bubba & Chelsea came to see you- they say that you pulled out your feeding tube & blamed it on John! No worries- They replaced it
on Sunday. On Sunday I brought Braxton & Harley up to see you. For a minute you thought Harley was Heidi but you knew who Braxton was. Nina came up to see you on Sunday also. She has been so worried about you mom. All she can say is that you took her in and loved her when no one else wanted her- she will never forget what you did for her.
Monday- Sherry was there by 9:00 a.m. trying to get all your documents for Medical in order. I think about 2:00 in the afternoon is when they decided to get you moved over to the Physical Therapy Tower. I guess the visiting hours will change to 4pm - 8pm. Not sure how the weekends work but I will find a way to hang out with you! I got to talk to you on the phone today. Dad & I will be up to see you right after work. I Promise. Love you.
You are officially out of ICU!! You are now in The Physical Therapy Tower room 1224. You have a couch and your own bathroom- AND beautiful views of the city since you are on the 12th floor. Sherry still spends all the days with you so that she can help and learn the proper ways to take care of you when it’s time to come home. The nurses said that I could decorate your room for the Holidays, tree, ornaments, and pictures. I planned on doing that this weekend but then I heard a little rumor that you may only be here 5-10 more days!!! I think I will still bring some stuff up. I am sorry dad & I couldn’t stay very long last night for his Birthday (Tuesday) Harley had a choir performance at school and I had to be there by 7:00pm
We will make up for it tomorrow night. Dad & I come to see you every night. Most times Justin comes too- sometimes the kids come. It sounds like you’re doing very well in Physical Therapy. You are walking, getting dressed, going to the bathroom. I hope you like all your new clothes Sherry & I picked out for you. You look so cute! Wednesday they are going to see how well you swallow so that you can eat! That’s all you care about right now…potatoes, gravy; I think you even mentioned steak!
When you’re released from the hospital (hopefully just in time for Christmas) we will go to dinner and you can pick what ever you want.
Speaking of being released… you & dad will live with Sherry because she is home all day and will be able to take good care of you. I think that you
will be very happy there mom. Please let your daughters take care of you for once…ok. I will come over in the evenings & also spend some weekends with you.
Wednesday- Dad, Harley, Hunter & I came up to see you. I brought you a reindeer, a tree, and some garland. I decorated your room & also made you a poster of my family so you could see us everyday. I left plenty of room so that Sherry & whoever else wanted to add pictures could. I hope it helps. The nurse informed me of the results of your “swallowing test” last night…no good! They said that the test they gave you showed aspiration- that means you didn’t swallow completely & it showed up in your lungs. I think the speech therapist will start working with you on Thursday to swallow. I know your hungry mom but hang in there ok.
You were very tired & was falling fast asleep so we left at 7:15 pm
Sweet dreams mom. See you tomorrow night. I Love you.
Thursday- Dad, Judy & I got to visit with you for a little while tonight; Hunter had a Christmas program that I forgot about so I had to leave!
Dad stayed with you through the evening & I came back for him after the performance. We will see you tomorrow mom. I love you.
Friday- Justin & I had to attend to a Christmas Party for PSS (Justin’s work) tonight but we got to visit with you for a few minutes and dad stayed with you again. Another weekend is here-you know what that means…I get to see you all day!
Today is Monday December 21st & I am writing about our weekend.
Dad, Nina & I arrived to see you at 1:00 pm on Saturday afternoon. Sherry & Brooklynn were already there. Brooklynn made & colored a cute Santa for you & Nina brought a picture of you, her & dad from her wedding in Las Vegas. We hung it on your poster board along with Brook’s Santa so that you can see them whenever you want.
Saturday was an ok day- It was Justin’s birthday & you wanted to take him to dinner- all you can think about is food but they will not let you eat until you pass your swallow test. It is very heartbreaking. I wish that I could bring you mash potatoes & gravy from KFC!!! The nurse came in gave you some medicine and the rule is- after the medicine you get to put water in your mouth…swish & spit. Do Not Swallow. You swished & spit the 1st time but the 2nd time you swallowed. Very sneaky mom!!! You got your drink.
Sunday I woke up early, snuck out of the house all by myself and got to the hospital about 9am. You were just waking up & getting ready for your shower. You said that if I leave you would beat me half to death! I promised I wouldn’t leave. I helped get you dressed & then went to physical therapy with you. You were very tired & were not too interested in your 30 minutes of work out. I brought the Sunday paper up & also some photo albums so that we could look at them together. Just before 11:00 you decided that you needed a nap so I crawled in bed with you and we snuggled until Justin, Hunter & dad arrived. You were sleeping so soundly; Justin & Hunter left so that you could rest. Dad & I stayed behind & I crawled back in bed with you & dad took the couch. Sherry, Michael, Chris, Candis, Dakota & Brooklynn arrived about 2:30. I went home. They stayed with you until 6:00. Sweet Dreams.
Christmas week- Sherry arrived every morning & stayed until late afternoons- Dad & I arrived in the evenings as usual. This week was extra special because it’s Christmas! We enjoyed every minute at the hospital spending Christmas Eve with you. John & Corina stayed the night
at my place on Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning Justin & I, dad, kids, John & Corina all went to Judy’s for sticky buns. That was very nice for me- I got to spend Christmas morning with my brother! John, dad & Corina split a little early so that they could come see you at the hospital- Sherry & I were shortly behind. The hospital decided that you were doing well enough so they released you for the afternoon. We brought you back to Sherry’s & all of us spent the day with you opening presents & eating soup. Casey, Melissa, Judy & Larry came to visit. Sherry’s home was very busy that day. I think you were a little happy to go back to the hospital…you seemed overwhelmed with all the excitement and very tired.
When Sunday came I woke up & snuck out all by self again. I guess I kind of feel like Sunday’s are our day’s to hang out and visit. We read the Sunday ads- went for a walk to the cafeteria & gift shop We bought lots of candy!
Well hear it is Tuesday December 29th and Sherry just called and said that you are being released! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 day shy of spending 1 month in the hospital.
Your 1st night at home in a real bed with dad! Be good!!
New Years Eve- Justin & I, John & Corina came to Sherry’s to bring in the New Year with you. You made it all the way till midnight!
Monday January 4th-
You have been home almost an entire week. We think your doing pretty well. Your vitals are good, you’re eating well, you’re a little sleepy & a little sassy but were used to that!
The night Sherry called me plays over & over in my head- I’m sure all of our heads…John, Dean & Dad’s especially!
I think that I can speak for ALL of us when I say it is soooo good to have you back. We are all going to work together to give you the best care that you have deserved for so long. Things will be better than ever for you soon enough!!
I Love You Mom.
